The last article I posted was about Philippine Brain Drain. This time, it's the singlehood trend in Asia way back in 1997. (I think this article is still true now).
I have decided to post an article about global warming in my next entry. For now...
It seems that me and my single unattached women friends are not trendsetters at all. It makes me think of why and how long the Asia Week, no less, observed this social (?) truth.
(Source: http://www.asiaweek.com/asiaweek/97/0627/cs1.html)
WHY WOMEN STAY SINGLE
The best and brightest are snubbing men, marriage and baby-making for work, fun and adventure. Should Asia be worried?
By Susan Berfield
HENRIETTA CLAUDIA "BONJIN" BOLINAO, a 40-something who runs her own public-relations firm, was planning to get married -- just as soon as she could find the time. First she had to help produce a book, The Philippines: A Journey through the Archipelago. Then her firm won two prestigious accounts, carmakers Volvo and UMC Nissan, and that kept her busy. She also decided to redecorate her apartment, improve her golf game, travel around the world and spend more time meditating. Her fiancé, a writer in Manila three years her junior, didn't seem too perturbed by the delays. As any sensible woman would, she considered that a warning sign. He was "a good guy, with a thinking mind," Bolinao says. Even her mother liked him. But maybe, she thought, he was scared to settle down. Or maybe, her friends thought, he was worried that she wouldn't.
Bolinao reviewed the situation: "He let me pursue my career and saw me through hard times when I set up my company. But at the same time he expected me to assume the role of the traditional Filipina woman. I was supposed to make sure everything was spic and span at home, be the perfect cook and ironing lady -- he even taught me how to iron properly. That whole thing can get really tiring." Bolinao and her fiancé eventually called off the wedding. "I really think we are soul mates. But we are better off as friends," she says now, two years later. "I will always love him. But I don't know about getting married."
For Bolinao, and women like her throughout Asia, marriage is not the first priority in life. Nor is it the last resort, the only way to secure a home and place in society. Marriage, for some, has become almost an alternative lifestyle: it is a choice, not a necessity. The majority will one day wed, but they will do so on their terms. Single women don't all put marriage -- and childbearing -- at the end of their list of things-to-do. Some are dating, some waiting to meet their destiny in a taxi queue. Others try their luck with the personals. But few of these single women -- or at least fewer than men might imagine -- are laying awake at night worrying about finding a suitable match. "A man for me is a bonus, like winning the lottery," Bolinao says. "With or without a man, I am fulfilled."
These single women have a few things in common: a high degree of educational and professional success, financial security, ambition and pride. For them being single at age 30, or 35, or older, is not a stigma; it's a status symbol. Some might even call it chic. They work hard. They travel. They are independent. These women won't settle for men who don't inspire them or nurture their aspirations. A good husband, they say, can keep pace with his wife without stepping on her toes. These are women who are used to having their own space. They want a man with maturity, not just money; someone who will be a companion, not a guardian.
These women are quick to add that those kind of men are scarce. Or already spoken for. Some suggest that it's not even worth looking, given that too few marriages succeed. "If I were starting all over again, I'd stay single," says Ellen Tan (not her real name), a 37-year-old divorcée in Singapore. "Marriage is not everything. It creates more problems. Some of my single friends say they're lonely. But the burdens of a marriage are worse than being alone."
Some call that type of thinking sacrilege. And despite the changing mind-set, the notion that a woman must be a wife and a mother is powerful. Societies and families exert considerable pressure on women to settle down. Most eventually do. But until then it is usually easier for mothers than fathers to understand why their daughter is still single. On the whole, women still bear most of the responsibility for maintaining a home and raising a family. In some countries women are expected to care for their in-laws, boost their husbands' careers and ensure that their kids get onto the fast track. Even if the couple can afford help in the house, the woman still has to take the lead. Men will pitch in: they will take the kids to the park or go to the supermarket. But that might be it.
For women, and men, who marry later the decision to have kids is just that: a choice. Most couples will have children, though smaller families are the natural consequence of rising prosperity the world over. But to some the idea of women forsaking the right, and responsibility, to bear children is profoundly unsettling. Listen to Yi Mun Yol, 49, one of Korea's most famous novelists and the author of a controversial book that challenges feminism. "I have to be concerned about women evading marriage altogether because that has the same effect as evading childbirth," he says. "I see that as a threat to the continuation of the world as it is."
The trend has some governments worried too. In places like Japan and Taiwan, the pattern is most pronounced; in Singapore and Malaysia the changes are most pronounced upon. Japan's Ministry of Health and Welfare forecasts that one out of seven girls born after 1980 will remain single for the rest of their lives. If current Japanese childbearing trends continue, the population could shrink to half its size by the end of the next century. The government is trying to prevent this by spending some $536 million on such programs as expanded day care. A few towns offer tax breaks and housing benefits to young families. In a classic sign of the times in Taiwan, family-planning officials have updated the island's 1960s slogan: "Two children is just right" has been replaced by "Go for two."
The Singapore government provides matchmaking services -- one for college graduates, another for non-grads. It also offers child-care subsidies for working mothers and housing incentives and higher tax rebates for having more kids. In Malaysia, Works Minister Samy Vellu cautioned last October that a nation-threatening "bachelor-girl syndrome was creeping into society." (Most "bachelor girls," though, considered Vellu's comments to be a bigger cause for alarm.)
At the heart of the matter is money or, to put it more delicately, national prosperity. "Working women have contributed to these economies," says Fanny Cheung, head of Hong Kong's Equal Opportunities Commission. They should be thanked for helping build up their societies, she says, not blamed for destroying the family. Indeed, many women stay single precisely because they are so successful. And in some cases, married women may be at a disadvantage in the workplace because bosses think their loyalties are divided. "My female executives are very committed to their jobs," says Khatijah Ahmad, managing director of the KAF Group of finance companies and doyenne of Malaysia's businesswomen. "They are very serious and are probably not giving much priority to finding a mate." Not much at all. Professional women throughout the region are clinching deals, winning promotions, starting their own companies. Who has time to date?
Or, as Malaysian Sheryll Stothard puts it: Who wants to make time to date? Stothard, 30, is the managing director of Hikayat, a Kuala Lumpur publishing and public-relations company she helped found 18 months ago. She hasn't seriously thought about marriage since breaking off a longterm relationship some seven years ago. "Right now I'm more concerned about finding a good joint-venture partner than I am about finding a good man," she says. A few weeks ago Stothard was out to dinner with an associate; midway through the meal he mentioned that this was his first date in a while. To which she replied: "Oh, is this a date?"
"I am not lacking without a boyfriend," Stothard says. "If I were -- being the selfish person I am -- I would look. And -- since I'm ambitious and usually successful -- I would get him." Single men are the only ones still gauche enough to ask why she hasn't married. The last time three of her male colleagues posed that question, Stothard asked them why they weren't. "They went on about working too hard, not wanting the responsibility of a family, too many expectations," she says. "And I said, 'Yeah, those are the same reasons I haven't married.'"
Many successful women today see little reason to settle for marriage. D. Katrina, a 31-year-old financial analyst in Kuala Lumpur, is in no rush to make any compromises. "I think there is a lot of sense in what Virginia Woolf wrote: 'A woman must have money and a room of her own. The former stands for the power to contemplate, while a lock on the door means the power to think for oneself,'" Katrina says. "I've got that and I'm going to enjoy it for a little while longer."
Time is a luxury women were not able to afford a decade ago. "It used to be that women older than 25 would rush to marry," says Ikeda Keiko, a director at OMMG, one of Tokyo's biggest matchmaking companies. "They would lower their demands about the bridegroom year by year. Today it doesn't happen that way. Women no longer give up their wishes after 25, or even 35." They are more likely to give up on the bridegrooms.
Irey Lau, a 30-year-old media director at Grey Advertising in Hong Kong, hasn't given up on marriage. Just dating. "I don't waste time on people I am not sure about," she says. Lau is about to join a new company in a more senior position and move to Beijing. During the next two years in China, she says, she won't waste any time on men at all. The only people she will be wooing will be her clients. Her father doesn't get it. Lau recounts a recent exchange between them: "My dad said: 'You started going with boys when you were 14. Now you're 30, and you're not interested. What happened?' So I replied: 'I've seen enough for now.'"
She expects a boyfriend to be able to match her drive, if not her salary. Lau's most enduring relationship was with a man a year older but not as established as she was. "He would compare our positions. He felt uncomfortable since I was earning more than he was," she says. "I don't want to stop for anybody. I told him that my career was more important than our relationship. So we broke up."
It is a familiar story. "Asian men are not yet used to the idea of Asian women who are successful, who may outshine them," says Khatijah of the KAF Group. Some women, of course, will choose to stand back -- Irey Lau would probably call that standing down. She recounts one such instance: a colleague at another advertising agency turned down a promotion because she thought having a more senior title would complicate her search for a husband. Others tell of women whose mothers admonish them not to show off their intelligence; drop the Ph.D from your business card, one anxious parent pleaded.
But dumbing down doesn't suit most single women. "I have money, a good job; I can be demanding about the company I keep," says Susan Liang, a 49-year-old solicitor in Hong Kong. Liang divorced 10 years ago, built her own practice and raised three children. Today her former husband is remarried, she is a leading lawyer with a thriving firm and her kids are studying overseas. "I don't want to remarry unless I meet someone exceptional," she says. "I'm like the Europeans who visit China: I've gone to the Great Wall; I've got my t-shirt." In today's parlance: Been there, done that.
It's true. Other women often are not the best advertisement for marriage. "My sister-in-law has to take care of the kids, help my brother with his career, and do many things for my parents. She has a lot of pressure," says Laura Chao, 30, a radio deejay and MTV Asia music programmer in Taipei. "By comparison I am quite free. I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want." In Taiwan a person like Chao is called a dan shun gwei zhu, or Single Noble. To Chao that's a pretty accurate depiction. "My priorities are work, spending time with friends and family, and travel." Since graduating from college, she has toured through Southeast Asia, Western Europe and the United States. Her next trip is to the clubbing hot spots of Ibiza in Spain and the western Indian state of Goa.
In pursuit of leisure. That is how many single women might describe where their money goes. "I just cannot give up my juicy life where I buy just what I like," says a 31-year-old hospital clerk who lives with her parents in Tokyo. She is not alone. There are more than 1 million unmarried women in their late 20s and 30s in the capital area, and developers these days are designing condos with their needs in mind (for instance, bigger bathrooms and more central locations). Insurance companies structure policies suited to single women (they, not their beneficiaries, receive pensions). Some funeral homes even offer single women places in specially reserved graves (since they don't inherit a traditional spot with their husband's family).
It is all too much for some men. "Young women have indulged in too much freedom from responsibilities, which often are the base of real joy in life," says Takahashi Masato, a 53-year-old science teacher at a Tokyo grammar school. "They only seek pragmatic pleasures."
But it is not just a material world. Women who can provide for themselves want men who can provide emotional support. It is the most precious commodity today. Betty Wei, 30, is a marketing manager for financial news at Dow Jones in Hong Kong. She is the youngest executive in a company known for its hierarchy. But her corporate existence is accidental. Wei grew up in Shanghai, attended university in Britain, married a man introduced to her by family friends, gave up a chance to work at the BBC and moved to Hong Kong because her husband got a job there. It seemed natural then.
In Hong Kong, she couldn't find the inspiration for her real love -- creative writing -- and was frustrated that her husband fell asleep at ballet performances. He needed someone to put a hot meal on the table, talk about his work and go to barbecues with on the weekend, she says. He preferred that she stay at home. She wanted to work. "We didn't know how to care for each other emotionally," Wei says. "We were floundering, and eventually we drowned." They divorced after three years. "It turned out that I will pursue my happiness more seriously than I thought I would," says Wei. "I would like to support my partner's career but I wouldn't un-do myself for him. In a good marriage, both people have to compromise."
Thirty years ago these women would have been considered eccentrics, or worse. Today, double standards still prevail in many societies: bachelor men are envied, bachelor women are pitied. Call these women spinsters or old maids, though, and you'll hear about it. "I have a social life that's pretty fantastic, thank you," says Katrina.
Despite their accomplishments many women still have to defend their decision to stay single, without seeming too defensive. A date with someone, anyone, invites the question, "Could he be the one?" Family gatherings are trouble, weddings are bad and family weddings are even worse. "I dread going to family weddings because of the inevitable, 'So when is it your turn?'" Katrina says. "I have to smile and mumble something polite. The question doesn't upset me, but the tone does. It is as if nothing else I've achieved in my life is worth anything if I'm not married."
Indeed, single women are no strangers to those who calculate their merit by number -- and that doesn't mean their salary. Any would be able to tell you about the time her friend, aunt or colleague hinted that her sell-by date is fast approaching. Or that her saham dah turun (Malay for, her shares have gone down). Koreans say that single women should lower their eyes (in other words, their standards). In Hong Kong, they say that a 30-year-old woman is like a used tea bag.
Of course part of the pressure to bear children is real, or at least biological. The clock is ticking, though not as fast as some insist, or as loudly as some would-be grandparents would like. They find subtle and less-subtle ways to remind their daughters that they, at least, are ready for a little one. For Chinese New Year, Wei's father gave her a statue of Guanyin, a Buddha sitting on a lotus leaf holding a baby.
Some couples delay having children so they can save up; others so they can savor their marriage. Other career women say they just aren't meant to be mothers. Many men seem puzzled. Consider Korean author Yi's thoughts on the subject: "I think bees create the most perfect society. Every bee except the queen bee works. I highly value the fact that the bee that gives birth is the queen. I don't understand why women abandon the path of a queen and strive to become a work bee."
But they do. One couple in Hong Kong have a three-year-old son, a full-time nanny, full-time jobs and a stack of books on child-rearing. She is teaching her son to read and supervising piano practice on the weekends. "I'm aggressive in learning how to give him the best," mom says. Her mother-in-law would like a second grandchild, but the 37-year-old has ruled that out. "I barely have enough time for one," she says. "How can I have two?"
Wang Shih-sue, 29, secretary-general of the Taiwan Association for Human Rights, and her husband David Liao, 31, decided they don't want even one. "Our work means everything to us," says Wang. "Neither of us wants to quit working to raise a child. My freedom and quality of life are very important. I don't want to lose what I have for the sake of a child." Liao, director of the Taiwan Labor Front, adds: "The most important reason is that we don't want a third person interfering in our relationship."
Their parents haven't been able to accept this notion. They wonder who will care for the couple later in life. "They also think we have a social responsibility to contribute a child to our society," says Wang. So do many governments, which, for now, are mostly run by old fathers. But some women believe that society should count on them for more than childbearing. And they are delivering.
-- With reporting from Kuala Lumpur, Manila, Singapore, Seoul, Taipei and Tokyo
